WHEN YOU ASK parents what they want for their children, what are the most common replies? They want their children to be smart and happy, of course. As parents, we get it. We feel the same way. We’re concerned about our son’s education and happiness. So we’ve spent quite a bit of time researching just that—how to raise a smart, happy child. Here’s what our extensive research tells us:
1. Walk the talk—always set a great example.
It’s not what you say; it’s how you live your life every day. Don’t tell your children how to live; live and let them watch you. Practice what you preach, or don’t preach at all. Walk the talk. Your children look up to you, and they will emulate your actions and strive to become who you are. So be who you want them to be. In other words, be the change you want to see in your child. Give what you expect, reflect what you desire, become what you respect, and mirror what you admire. Every single day.
2. Reduce your stress, and thus the stress level in the household.
Not easy, we know, but believe it or not, what children want from their parents more than anything else is for them to be happier and less stressed. In a survey of a thousand families, researchers asked children, “If you were granted one wish about your parents, what would it be?” Most parents predicted their children would say something about spending more time with them. But they were wrong. The children’s number one wish was that their parents would be less tired and less stressed. They wanted their family household to be a less stressful place to live. Further research has shown that parental stress weakens children’s brains, depletes their immune systems, and increases their risk of other unhealthy mental and physical ailments.
3. Believe in your children.
The greatest compliment you can give to a child is to believe in them and let them know you care. When you see something true, good, and beautiful in them, don’t hesitate to express your admiration. When you see something that is not true, good, and beautiful in them, don’t neglect to give them your wholehearted assistance and guidance. The simple act of believing that your child is capable and worthy makes a big difference. It gives them confidence and makes them feel qualified to do great things. In a recent study, elementary school teachers were told that they had certain students in their class who were academically above average. These students were in fact selected at random (they were not necessarily above average in any way). Yet by the end of the school year, 30 percent of the children arbitrarily named as “above average” had gained an average of 22 IQ points, and almost all had gained at least 10 IQ points. In other words, when the teachers were told certain children were “better,” those kids did better in school. When someone you respect believes in you, it helps you be the best you can be. Give your children this opportunity.
4. Praise your children for their effort, not for their intelligence.
Based on the point above, this might sound a bit counterintuitive, but when you praise a child’s efforts, you are bringing attention to something they can control—the amount of effort they put in. This is immensely important because it teaches them to persist and that personal growth through hard work is possible. They come to see themselves as in control of their success in life. In contrast, praising God-given intelligence takes growth and progress out of your child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure. Instead of working to improve after setbacks, your child may begin to fear that their innate intelligence just isn’t strong enough and then give up rather than lean in. With that said, a word to the wise: Don’t overpraise your kids. Make sure your gestures of praise are warranted. Because if every move your child makes is motivated by a reward like constant praise, when the praise stops, the effort stops too. The best thing to do? Praise purposefully when it’s truly warranted. And when your child gets stuck, give them a chance to learn that frustrating challenges can be worked through.
5. Don’t read to your children—read with them.
Got a youngster who’s learning to read? Don’t let them just stare at the pictures in a book while you do all the work by reading every word to them. Instead, call attention to the words. Point to them. Point to the pictures that illustrate them. Read with them, not to them. Research shows this approach helps build a child’s reading comprehension. When shared book reading is enriched with explicit attention to the development of a child’s reading skills, it truly becomes an effective vehicle for promoting early literacy. Perhaps even more important than that, it makes learning more fun.
6. Eat dinner together as a family.
Eating dinner together makes a difference. Research shows that children who have dinner with their families do better across pretty much every conceivable metric in terms of behavior issues and emotional well-being. Additional research also suggests that children who enjoy family meals have larger vocabularies, better manners, healthier diets, and higher self-esteem in the long run. The most comprehensive survey done on this topic, a University of Michigan report that examined how American children spent their time, discovered that “the amount of time children spent eating meals at home was the single biggest predictor of better academic achievement and fewer behavioral problems. Mealtime was more influential than time spent in school, studying, attending religious services, or playing sports.” Even if eating dinner together every night isn’t possible, try to eat together as a family at least once a week.
7. Create reasonable rules and boundaries for your children.
Children don’t do well in a free-for-all environment. It’s a myth that being too strict guarantees rebellion and being permissive drives better behavior. From the research we’ve done, it’s clear that children who get in trouble mostly have parents who don’t set reasonable rules and boundaries. If their parents are accepting of their behavior no matter what they do, even when they are unruly, children take this lack of rules as a sign that their parents don’t really care. On the flip side, parents who are consistent in enforcing rules and boundaries are often the same parents who become the closest with their children. According to a Penn State study by Dr. Nancy Darling and Dr. Linda Caldwell, parents who set logical rules pertaining to key principles of influence, and explain why the rules are there, engage more closely with the children and ultimately have a happier, healthier relationship with them. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should overdo the rules, or make rules just for the sake of making rules. Parents who are too controlling raise children who are stifled and bored. And stifled, bored kids are likely to rebel.
8. Give your children an opportunity to make healthy peer relationships.
The peer group your children associate with has an enormous effect on their long-term happiness and educational aspirations. As parents, we often think of peer pressure as solely negative, but more often than not, it’s positive. Living in a child-friendly neighborhood, going to highly rated schools, and making sure your children associate with the right peers can make a world of difference. Bottom line: As a human being, you are the average of the people you spend the most time with. And that’s why it’s not always where you are in life, but who you have by your side that matters most. The same is true for your children.
9. Make sure your children get enough sleep every night.
A tired mind is rarely constructive or content. And it’s even worse for children than it is for adults. According to Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman’s insightful book, Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children, missing an hour of sleep turns a sixth grader’s brain into that of a fourth grader. Even a loss of one hour of sleep is equivalent to the loss of two years of cognitive development to the typical child. There’s also a direct correlation between good grades and the average amount of sleep a child gets. Teens who received As average about fifteen more minutes of sleep than B students, who in turn average fifteen more minutes than C students, and so on. Certainly, these are averages, but the research is consistent. For children, every fifteen minutes of sleep counts.
10. Help your children maintain a gratitude journal.
We frequently discuss the powerful benefits of keeping a gratitude journal. And the good news is, it works for children too. Again, via NurtureShock: “In one celebrated example, Dr. Robert Emmons, of the University of California at Davis, asked teenage students to keep a gratitude journal—over ten weeks, the young undergrads listed five things that had happened in the last week which they were thankful for. The results were surprisingly powerful—the students who kept the gratitude journal were 25 percent happier.” Bottom line: Children who keep a gratitude journal are happier, more optimistic, and healthier. As soon as your child is old enough, help them start one.
Afterthoughts
We have learned a lot from the research we’ve done, but one thing really stands out. It’s clear that healthy parenting creates happier children, who are more likely to turn into adults who are better equipped to deal with the realities of life and the worthwhile challenges of nurturing healthy relationships.