Social Life
“Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you’re making.”
~ C. S. Lewis
Lack of social confidence is a common problem. Nearly half of all Americans claim to be shy, and nearly fifteen million Americans have social anxiety disorder, where they experience intense, persistent and irrational fear of social or performance situations. Wherever you may fall on the scale of discomfort in social situations, the problem makes it difficult to develop romantic relationships, make new friends, or interact with work associates.
A healthy social life is not only critical to your happiness and confidence, it’s also key to your health and longevity. Many studies suggest social relationships are just vital to your health as other common risk factors like smoking, being sedentary or obesity. According to research gathered by Brigham Young University, people with strong family and social connections have a 50 percent lower risk of dying over a certain period than do the non-social group.
When you lack confidence in social situations, it’s frustrating to hear these statistics. It feels as though you’re trapped in your fears and self-doubts, with no ability to change a situation that can add to your health and happiness. In fact, most shy people desperately want to have a social life. They just don’t know how to escape from the feelings holding them back. However, it is possible to boost your confidence in social settings and feel more secure about who you are and how you appear to others.
Identify anxieties.
Your lack of social confidence can manifest in many ways. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable meeting new people. Maybe you feel shy walking up to a group and joining in. It could be really hard for you to ask someone for a date or to call a friend and suggest going out. Some people are comfortable in certain social settings, but fear speaking out at work or in a meeting. Knowing exactly what makes you uncomfortable or anxious is the first step toward correcting the problem. Often we’re so steeped in fear and avoidance, we haven’t taken the time to identify the specific cause.
Action Steps: Think about the situations or scenarios where you feel least comfortable socially. What exactly triggers these feelings? Where are you and what are you doing? What are the feelings or physical symptoms you experience in these situations? Just identifying these will give you awareness of the issue and where it holds you back.
Make a social plan.
Once you are aware of the social situations that cause anxiety or discomfort, you can take control of the situation by initiating small and manageable actions to build up your confidence and retrain yourself to enjoy social interactions. Having a plan of action will give you an immediate boost of confidence and make you feel more in control of your emotions. Planned exposure to the situations that cause your discomfort will eventually cure you of your anxious feelings so you can look forward to social interactions and actually have fun.
Action Steps: Think of a social activity you would like to enjoy but that causes you discomfort. Begin with the situation that causes you the most difficulty and attack it first. Plan ahead for how you will enter the room, a few things you will say to people, how many people you will talk to, and how long you will stay. Give yourself permission to leave after the amount of time you committed to yourself. You will feel discomfort the first few times you initiate your plan. But each time, talk to a few more people and stay a bit longer. You’ll notice you feel more confident with every social event.
Practice a conversation.
For any skill you learn, practice increases your confidence. With repetitive practice, you know exactly what needs to be changed and adjusted, and it allows you to hone your skills until you feel proficient. The skills involved in social confidence require practice as well, and this includes practicing conversation skills. One of the biggest concerns about meeting new people or participating in group conversation is not knowing what to say or fearing you’ll embarrass yourself. But with some pre-planning and practice, you’ll be armed with plenty of conversation topics and the assurance to initiate a chat.
Action Steps: Before you attend a social gathering, a date, or even an outing with a friend, think about what you want to say when you first arrive. Practice greeting people in front of a mirror, and think about a few topics of conversation you want to initiate as you converse with people. Have some basic, everyday conversation starters (the weather, a recent news story, their family or a mutual friend), and also prepare some interesting questions or observations to initiate a more meaningful conversation. Here are thirty conversation topics to give you ideas. Write some of the topics down to keep in your pocket or purse to refer to at the event if you forget.
Notice the voice in your head.
Negative self-talk is universal with those who feel uncomfortable socially. You spend time wondering what others are thinking, how you look to them, and how they might be judging you. You mentally repeat self-criticisms or linger on how fearful and shy you are. People who lack confidence overestimate the negative perceptions of others in social situations. They become paralyzed by their negative thoughts and further isolate themselves, adding another heap of self- criticism and negativity on top of the initial feelings. Of course, none of these negative thoughts help you feel more comfortable or confident. In fact, they just reinforce feelings of self-doubt and anxiety.
Action Steps: Write down all of the fears and false perceptions your mental voice is telling you. Then for each fear, ask yourself, “Is this 100 percent true? How often has this really happened?” Then notice if there is any real evidence to support your negative thought. More than likely, there isn’t any or it’s greatly exaggerated. In fact, there is probably more evidence that negates these self-critical thoughts. Teach yourself to stop believing your thoughts. Simply notice them without giving them credibility.
Practice mirroring.
There is a neuron in the brain that is responsible for recognition of faces and facial expressions. This neuron triggers you to copy facial expression you see on others. You mirror their expressions unconsciously. When you mirror someone’s body language you are offering nonverbal cues that you relate to them and feel the same as they do. In fact, research shows people who share the same emotions are likely to experience stronger levels of trust, connection and empathy. You can reverse-engineer this process to make close connections with others by mirroring their expressions and body language.
Action Steps: The next time you converse with someone, practice a mirroring them for a few moments. Don’t exaggerate it, but subtly mirror their facial expressions and body movements. Try this with a family member or close friend at first until you get the hang of the subtleties of mirroring. (You don’t want to look like you’re mocking the other person.) Take note of how they respond to you and whether or not you see them warming to you and the conversation.
