DAY TWO: HOW TO CHANGE LIMITING BELIEFS
The power of a belief
Joe picked up his manual and left for the workshop. He arrived a few minutes early. He introduced himself to the two guys sitting beside him. To his right was a lawyer named Mark, and to his left a student and sportsperson named Peter. Peter was a top amateur hundred-metre sprinter and looked every inch the athlete. Mark was in his forties and wore a golf shirt and khakis. He explained that he was interested in communicating more effectively.
‘I work in a New York-based law firm. So I get to speak in public quite a lot. Obviously, good communication skills are important, especially in what I do. One of the guys I worked with on a case last year was amazing. He was so confident in front of the jury, and listening to him I figured that that was a skill worth mastering. I asked the guy what he did to become so good. He just said to me, “Richard Bandler.” So here I am.’
Peter had come all the way from Munich for the course. He wore a T-shirt, tracksuit bottoms and trainers. His aim was to access and maintain a peak state when he was competing, and especially to keep performance anxiety at bay.
‘Most of the top sports guys in the world have their own personal coach working with them and are using this kind of stuff. I thought, why not go out and learn it myself? I mean, I’ve already studied sports psychology. From what I’ve heard, Richard himself is the man when it comes to stuff like this.’
Peter’s broad shoulders and huge chest dwarfed Joe’s squat frame. ‘I find myself getting anxious, you know? When I’m competing I get nervous. I spent a year in England competing in track and field with the best, and at practice I was all over them. It was in the actual competition when I let myself down sometimes. When I get scared I tighten up. I need to get the edge in competition, because I’ve got the qualifiers for the European Championships in a couple of months. Besides, even if I do use a personal coach, no harm in having some extra knowledge myself, is there?’
Joe nodded. He remembered the Brilliant Square that he’d stepped into the day before and thought that such a technique might well be useful for Peter. Maybe I should introduce Peter to Ross, he mused.
When Richard appeared he looked just as full of life as he had done the day before. He began to speak, and as usual silence fell upon the auditorium.
Think about this: problems don’t exist independently of human beings; they don’t exist in the universe at large. They exist in our perceptions and understandings. Our belief in things is what makes them real.
What I’m interested in doing today is just looking at beliefs. If you take charge of your beliefs, you take charge of your life.
Joe listened, but he questioned this in his mind. Surely problems were real, whether they were believed in or not?
Part of what we need to do is help people believe in more useful ideas.
For example, I was telling you about Charlie. He was one of those sweet paranoid schizophrenics, the kind you feel sorry for.
He was terrified. I asked him, ‘You keep looking out of the window. We’re on the third floor. What are you expecting to find?’
And he told me that the Devil talked to him. And when the psychiatrist would come in Charlie would go, ‘The Devil told me that you belong to him and you’re going to burn in hell.’ And the psychiatrist would shake his head and try to help Charlie feel better by giving him more drugs. This was done in the hope that it would ‘clear his mind up’.
Now, I grew up in the sixties and I have a bit of experience with that … and I never found that taking more drugs cleared anybody’s mind up … at least as far as I can remember!
Joe smiled. Richard’s humour relaxed him further into the morning session.
Most of the psychiatrists simply didn’t know any better. Their hearts were in the right place, but with few exceptions they were expected to treat everyone the same. They wouldn’t try anything new. That was where I had the advantage. I figured that if what they were doing wasn’t working, then anything I did would have a better shot. The psychiatrists would tell him that he wasn’t talking to the Devil, and Charlie would respond, ‘He told me you’d say that. He also told me to say that he’ll see you soon.’
Well, what I believe is that if a schizophrenic isn’t in touch with reality, what we need to do is change reality. In fact, changing reality is a good idea even if you aren’t schizophrenic. Often, we think our own way of seeing the world seems like the correct way, until we’re proven wrong. Reality isn’t as fixed as we might think it is.
For centuries people said the world was flat, and therefore you can’t sail around it or you’ll fall off, so nobody tried … for a while, but when somebody said, ‘Screw it, let’s do it,’ they found a whole new world. There were continents out there … and they went, ‘Wow! Look at all this.’
Yes, Joe thought. There were many things that he had once believed but that he later found out
he had got wrong. Joe began to wonder silently.
How many ideas have I believed in that have prevented me from doing better in my life but that might not be true? How many times have I given up on things just because I believed I wasn’t good enough to achieve them? How many things have I missed out on because I was convinced that I couldn’t have them?
Joe was beginning to see that his beliefs were the real issue.
The reason I’ve been so successful with clients whom everybody has given up on is primarily because I haven’t given up on them. It’s not that the first thing I did with them always worked. I was always just determined to help them through their problems. I think that’s an essential quality of anyone who wants to change. They have to be determined.
I’ve looked at their case history as only one thing: a list of things that didn’t work. What I’m interested in are things that do work, starting with the right kind of beliefs.
Take placebos. Sometimes people refer to them dismissively, ‘Oh, it’s just a placebo effect.’ Excuse me? Just a placebo effect? What we’re saying here is that you have the power to produce your own painkillers or your own antidepressants. And we’re not talking about Indian gurus; we’re not talking about holy men. We’re talking about medical research. Statistics prove that your mind can be just as effective as a painkiller. This comes from extensive studies conducted on perfectly normal people. In fact, researchers know now that your brain functions differently after being given a placebo.
My theory is, let’s start building our own placebos in the form of beliefs that help us improve our lives. The ‘reality’ that you build with your mind, thanks to the sheer power of your beliefs, can be as real as any external agent. That’s just amazing; that’s just how much power you can unleash.
Joe had heard of the idea that we can actually help heal our bodies through our minds, but honestly he had to admit that he had thought that it was rubbish. He had always believed that it was just medicine that healed people. Now he was intrigued by the power of the placebo.
I’ve seen people doing amazing miracles and being cured accidentally. One of the people I met, his father had a terminal illness and was sent home from the hospital. They didn’t tell him why.
When he returned home he started getting up and going into the back yard and gardening, started doing this and that and started going for walks, and the family kept going, ‘He’s just going to drop.’ But they didn’t tell him. Six months down the road the family started getting worried. They contacted the doctor and said, ‘You said he was going to die, and he’s still alive.’
And the doctor went, ‘You’re kidding. I thought he’d died months ago.’ And they went, ‘No, but his flowers are blooming. He’s cooking, he’s taking over the kitchen, and he’s dating.’
And the doctor went, ‘You’d better bring him in. I have to examine him.’
So they brought him in, and they tested him, and the illness had disappeared. They called it spontaneous remission. However, the father was upset. He said, ‘Excuse me. Why am I being tested? You already cured me.’
And the doctor went, ‘What?’
‘Well, you sent me home. You wouldn’t have sent me home if you hadn’t cured me.’
So it was probably his accidental belief that he had got better that resulted in his spontaneous
remission.
Now the doctor … I had to call him, and I said, ‘Is this a true story?’
And the doctor said, ‘Well, no. Actually what happened was that the test must have been
misread. And it must have been a mistake.’
There are lots of examples in which we face some things we can’t explain and make excuses
for it. This is where we fail to see the obvious. There are thousands and thousands of cases of spontaneous remission every year.
Joe wondered whether the man’s disease had been misdiagnosed. Could he really have had a spontaneous remission? He had heard of the concept before. Obviously many people with terminal illnesses will die no matter how much they believe they’ll survive, but does believing you can survive give you more of a chance to overcome a serious disease? Even if it was only a slightly larger chance, surely this was groundbreaking?
Your beliefs can either trap you or set you free. Whatever you believe will determine what you decide to do. If you truly want to change, the first step is to believe one hundred percent that you can and that you will.
Coffee break soon came. Joe joined in with Mark and Peter’s conversation about the importance of believing in your ability to create the life you want and how it is possible to change others’ beliefs.
Joe paid particular attention to what Peter was saying. He seemed quite sceptical. ‘Just because you believe in something, that doesn’t make it real. I mean, if I believed I could beat the world record, that doesn’t mean I would do it.’
Mark disagreed. ‘Yes, but what about Roger Bannister? For many years it was widely believed to be impossible for a human to run a mile in under four minutes. But in 1954 Roger Bannister became the first man to do it. What happened then? About two months after Bannister’s breakthrough John Landy ran the mile in less than four minutes in Finland. Within three years sixteen other runners also cracked the four-minute mile. The fact that it could be beaten meant that others believed it, so they were able to do it as well.’
Peter acknowledged this argument with a contemplative shake of his head.
Joe wanted to offer something to the discussion. ‘Yeah, I agree. It’s amazing to think of what Bannister’s achievement led to, but I understand where you’re coming from, Peter. I mean, take public speaking. Some people are good at it, and some aren’t. I’d be a disaster at it – I know that much. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.’
Peter nodded. Mark ran his hand across his chin as if digesting Joe’s comment.
Although enjoying the conversation, Joe couldn’t help but notice that today Gorilla and his friend weren’t hanging off the brown-haired woman. Instead, today she was alone, staring into space with a slightly puzzled expression.
When Richard came back on, he began talking about music and art.
Who here was told when they were younger that they weren’t musical?
About a third of the people raised their hands.
Who was told that they weren’t artistic?
Another third raised their hands.
Now, my questions are … Who says? and How do they know?
I say this because I was told the same thing. When I was in school I was asked to draw a tree,
and when I did the teacher came to me and said, ‘That picture is horrible. You just aren’t artistic.’ Now, for the next thirty years I never picked up a paintbrush, because I believed her. Then one day my wife came home with paints and a paintbrush and said, ‘Let’s paint,’ and I found myself saying, ‘But I’m not artistic.’ She looked at me with one eyebrow raised. There’s something about raising an eyebrow at someone. It immediately challenges them.
I went out to Covent Garden in London and found one of these painters who was talented and skilled. I asked him how he was able to paint the pictures. He just explained that he looked at what he was going to draw, and then imagined it on the page. He did this a few times until he could see the figure vividly and clearly on the page. Then he would simply follow the lines he imagined on the page until he could replicate what he saw on the outside. So I began to practise that skill and found myself learning to paint.
We are given so many limitations from others that it’s healthy to doubt some of them. Speaking of that, let’s talk about the belief that many people have about public speaking. Some people believe that they’re not the kind of person who could present confidently in front of an audience. They think that they’re just shy.
Joe felt as if Richard was speaking directly to him. The thought of speaking to a big group of people absolutely terrified Joe.
Now, I’m sure there are plenty of you here today who are convinced that there’s no way you can change. I want to do a demonstration because I want to show you that change is possible, and not only that but that it can happen in a few minutes. Then you’re going to try it, and don’t be too surprised at how easy and quick it is to change the way you feel.
Richard asked for a volunteer who was scared of public speaking.
Nobody raised a hand at first. Joe’s stomach tightened. He held his breath and looked straight
down towards his feet. From the corner of his eye he saw Mark raising his hand. Joe was confused for a second. Wasn’t public speaking what Mark did for a living? Joe’s heart started to race. He realized that Mark’s hand was in the air but was pointing at him.
Richard looked down from the stage. ‘The guy to your left?’ he said to Mark.
Mark nodded cheekily.
Joe cringed and tried to curse Mark under his breath but his throat was as dry as a desert. ‘What’s your name?’ Richard asked Joe.
Joe’s heart rate increased rapidly, and he could already feel his face flushing.
‘Joe,’ he said softly, the word sticking in his throat.
‘Excuse me?’ Richard asked. Joe repeated his name again after clearing his throat. He was
doing his best to get as much volume as he could, but he struggled under the intense gaze of the audience.
‘Joe, can you come up here and help me with something for a couple of minutes? I want to help you make a change with this.’
Joe gulped. He couldn’t refuse Richard Bandler, as this might lead to further embarrassment. He felt trapped. His knees trembled as he slid out of his chair and started walking towards the stage. Every step to the stage took him closer and closer to what was certain to be the most humiliating experience of his life. Joe could remember the fear he had of speaking in front of even small groups. Now he was faced with the agonizing prospect of trying to speak in front of about 500 people.
As he walked up, his legs were heavy and he could feel everyone’s eyes on him. Then he remembered the brown-haired woman would be watching. She would never want to have anything to do with him. He felt that he was about to be humiliated.
When Joe finally made it to the stage, he faced Dr Bandler. He kept focused on him because the thought of what was behind him scared him too much. Up close, Richard had even more presence.
Turning to the audience, Richard continued.
Did you know that a recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public? Somehow this ranked even higher than death, which was third on the list. So if that’s true it means that at a funeral most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
Laughter trickled across the auditorium again. Even Joe couldn’t suppress a semi-smile. Richard turned back to him again. Now, Joe, you’ve been scared of presenting for a while now. Is that right?’ Joe nodded. He felt his throat constricting further.
‘Let me ask you a question, then: Have you ever been wrong about anything?’ Again Joe nodded.
‘Well, has it ever occurred to you that maybe you could be wrong about believing you’ll always be this way?’
Joe tried to focus on Richard’s words. He’d never doubted that public speaking would always terrify him. He assumed that because he hadn’t done it before it was just the way things were.
‘Now let me ask you something. Once upon a time you couldn’t walk. Then you learned to. Once upon a time you couldn’t talk. Then you learned to. Do you think it’s possible that you could learn to speak in public?’
Joe couldn’t argue with the logic. His throat was still dry. He shrugged.
Richard continued: ‘Well, you see, I have this belief that you can be confident in front of others. For example, is it just that you’re nervous in front of human beings? If you were presenting in front of a group of dogs, would you still be terrified?’
Joe smiled. He managed a verbal response this time. ‘No. Dogs would be OK,’ he said softly.
‘So the problem isn’t the number of people who are in front of you. The problem is that they are human beings. They’re much scarier than dogs.’
Joe smirked again. He imagined speaking to a bunch of dogs.
‘Now, what I’m interested in you doing is realizing that, somewhere along the way, you built a belief in the kind of person that you were. Maybe that’s the person that you thought you were, but now if you change that belief you can begin to believe in yourself as the kind of person that you want to be.
‘What I want you to do is imagine for a second the person whom you believed yourself to be, someone terrified of speaking in public, and notice where the image is located in the visual space of your mind.’
Joe pointed a little to his left out in front of him, where he visualized the image.
‘Now take a deep breath in and out and imagine, for a second, that you are someone who is completely relaxed and confident in front of a group. Notice where that image is located. There will be differences between the two images.’
When Joe looked at the second image he saw it was different. It was located to his right, a bit farther away.
‘You have an old image, which is what you believed, and a new image of what you want to believe. The next step is this. I want you to take the old image of you as a bad public speaker and move it way off into the distance, and then take the new image of you being confident and bring it quickly into the position where the old image was.’
In his mind, Joe moved the old negative image away and replaced it with the new positive image. Richard had him do this mental process quickly another five times. Strangely, after doing it again, Joe started thinking about being able to speak well in public, and he could actually imagine doing it. He still felt the nervousness in his body, but there was also an image of his presenting well.
Next, Richard had him focus on the feeling of fear. ‘When you first start to feel scared, where does the feeling come from?’
Joe thought for a second and pointed to his stomach.
‘Then where is the next place you feel it in your body … and the next?’
Joe imagined the feeling and pointed to his chest and head, then back to his stomach. It was
almost as if the feeling moved through his body, then went back to the start again.
‘So the feeling starts in your stomach, moves up to your chest, on to your head, then back
down into your stomach. Is that right?’
Joe nodded. Where was Richard going with this?
‘Here’s what I want you to do. I want you to imagine speaking in front of these lovely people,
and as you do I want you to notice the feeling moving in this direction. But as you do so I want you to imagine taking the feeling and turning it upside-down, so that it begins moving in the exact opposite direction. I want you to imagine taking the feeling of fear and, instead of it moving up your body in the way you have felt it, imagine it going down your body in the complete reverse. Keep spinning it in this new way as you imagine presenting and notice how you feel.’
Joe imagined speaking in front of the group and could feel himself trembling. He paid attention to the fear that started moving in his body, then started to practise what Richard had asked him to do. He took the feeling of fear and imagined it moving in reverse throughout his body. As he spun this feeling backwards, he saw himself speaking in public and felt relaxed. He opened his eyes and looked at Richard with surprise.
Richard just smiled. ‘Pretty cool, huh? Time for the real challenge. Because I want you to make a quick thirty-second presentation to the audience here. Just tell them about yourself. Here’s a microphone.’
Richard handed the microphone to Joe, and Joe felt himself freezing.
‘Remember, notice what direction the bad feeling is going in and imagine it going in reverse.’ As Joe paid attention to the feeling, he began to run it in the opposite way. Again, he could
feel himself calming down. He turned to the audience and kept moving the feeling backwards. ‘Hi. I’m Joe, and I’m terrified of speaking in public.’ He said this line so loudly that the audience burst into laughter.
This gave Joe a rush of elation. As he continued he felt his confidence growing. When Richard took back the microphone Joe felt as if he could have continued. For years he’d been scared of this, yet everything had changed in a couple of minutes. The audience applauded Joe as he made his way back to his seat. He couldn’t explain what had just happened. But he felt different.
Richard asked everyone to do the same exercise. Joe worked with Mark, the lawyer, whom he had decided to forgive.
At the end of the exercise, Mark sought confirmation that Joe would not kill him. ‘Hey, no hard feelings about me putting you up there, OK? I thought it would help you, and you did great.’
‘No, I do appreciate that now. It was just what I needed, though for a few minutes there I wanted you to die a slow, painful death and end up in that coffin Richard was talking about!’
Mark threw his arm around Joe. ‘Yes, and you’d be giving the eulogy.’ They laughed as they both went for lunch.
