WE DO NOT believe that a child should be seen and not heard. We tell our son, Mac, that he’s a valuable part
of our family, and he has a voice as much as we do. There are three of us in our family, and each person gets a
vote, and we all have an equal say in expressing our needs and wants.
We have talked about creating space for each other to share by asking the right questions, and we do this
with Mac all the time as well. We ask him questions like
What do you want to do today and why?
What’s on your mind today?
What made you happy today?
What made you feel uncomfortable today?
Did anything make you laugh today?
What made you sad today?
It’s amazing what comes out of a five-year-old’s mind sometimes, and you’d be surprised at how asking
these questions, targeted at specific emotions, will bring up stories that he shares with us simply because, by
asking, we invite him to be a part of our conversation.
Often these conversations happen during our planned family time, which is something we schedule on the
calendar: time for us to be together as a family, enjoying each other and getting to know each other. Now, the
time is scheduled, but that doesn’t mean we have that time booked with dozens of activities.
We are careful to not overwhelm Mac, or ourselves, with extracurricular activities. We’ve learned that if
parents are overwhelmed by all the activities, then the kids are too. Don’t get us wrong—extracurricular
activities are great. But just because you’re watching them perform at a game or practice doesn’t mean that it’s
quality time for you and your child. Instead, we figure out what makes sense for us and keep our time together
flexible.
Here’s an example. We had some friends who were driving back home on Interstate 95 from North Florida,
near our house, and they called us at three o’clock on a Sunday afternoon to say they’d love to swing by for a
couple of hours to say hello. They expected us to say no, thinking we would be busy. But we said, absolutely—
come over. We had a joyous time. Their son is Mac’s age, and we get to see them only once every couple of
months, so it was a wonderful surprise. We had a great evening together, and we can say yes to experiences
like this when they come up because we are not overbooked.
Building a family life and parenting is often about doing the hard thing, which is to create space for listening
to each other, especially to your kids. Schedule the time without overscheduling activities. Ask the kids
questions. Ask them what they want to do. Don’t talk over them. Let them have an opinion even at four or five
years of age. When they’re thirteen or fourteen years old, let their opinion be considered fully, like you are
listening to an adult’s opinion.
