Powerful Rituals for Meeting the Right People & Building New, Healthy Relationships

WE HAD A recent conversation with our friend Thanh about the importance of establishing healthy, positive, supportive relationships. This is a topic that fascinates us, and it’s something we know a lot about.

We met Thanh at a business conference in Las Vegas some years back. We hit it off as friends almost immediately—there was lots of synergy between our interests in personal development and in expanding our entrepreneurial business ventures.

But the kicker is the immense (and immediate) positive impact Thanh’s friendship has had on both our personal and professional growth. The undeniable truth became crystal clear to us rather quickly: Who you associate with makes all the difference in your life. Positive relationships form the foundation of a happy, rewarding life.

If your time and energy is misspent on the wrong relationships, or on too many activities that force you to neglect your good relationships, you can end up in a tedious cycle of fleeting friendships, superficial romances that are as thrilling as they are meaningless, and a general sense of wondering why you always seem to be running in place, chasing affection.

In many ways, we, as human beings, are like koi fish. The koi fish grows in proportion to its environment. If you keep it in a small bucket of water, it grows to only a few inches in length. But if you let it loose in the wild, it can grow up to two feet long. Are you like the koi fish that has been kept in a small bucket? Is your environment and social network stifling your personal and professional growth? If so, how do you make changes and build healthier relationships?

So how do you build healthy, lasting relationships? How do you find friends who lift you higher? How do you meet a significant other who belongs at your family reunions? How do you meet the right people?

During our conversation with Thanh, all three of us agreed that it’s not hard to build and nurture healthy relationships as long as you are willing to uphold five essential rituals for doing so:

1. Learn to enjoy your own company.

   Ironically, the prerequisite for building healthy relationships is being comfortable when you’re all by yourself. If you’re starting fresh, with a minimal number of friends in your immediate vicinity, the reason for this is obvious: Spending time alone is your only option. Likewise, if you have friends who have been dragging you down and negatively impacting your life, withdrawing from them and starting anew will likely require a bit more alone time.

   Appreciating solitude starts with the conscious awareness of the freedom it brings. When you enjoy your own company, you don’t need others around for the sake of having others around. You can be flexible about who you choose to spend time with, instead of letting your fear of being alone suck you into social situations and relationships that aren’t right for you.

   It’s also important to note that being desperate for the company of others will hinder your ability to authentically interact and communicate. You’ll be more worried about achieving external validation instead of just letting your truth flow and being open to establishing honest human connections.

   With that said, however, journeying through life on your own two feet is a learning process—you become stronger as you go. It’s like a kid who can’t find her way home when she’s alone: doing it the first few times is daunting and scary, but in the long run she’s safer and better off having learned the way.

   So just remember, it’s always better to learn to stand on your own two feet and walk alone when you must, rather than to have someone carry you around your whole life. And once you are reasonably self-sufficient, then relying on someone else from time to time is an act of inner strength, not weakness.

   Try to spend some time alone every day on a solo project that interests you—reading, writing, painting, coding, etc. The goals is to get to the point where you are just as happy staying in as going out, as long as you keep a healthy balance between the two.

2. Get in touch.

   A big part of meeting the right people is reacquainting yourself with the good people you already know. It’s all about initiating friendly interactions, instead of waiting for others to make the first move. We bet you can think of several people that you have been terrible at keeping in touch with. These might be extended family members, old college friends, previous coworkers you enjoyed spending time with, or even current friends you rarely talk to.

   Dig back into your past and make a list of people you wish you had stayed in better touch with. Then contact them. An email or a text message might work best to break the ice if you’re contacting someone you haven’t talked to in a while. If you have lost a person’s contact information, Google them, or look them up on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, etc. Or perhaps you have a mutual friend or acquaintance who can put you back in touch.

   This practice might sound overly simple, or even a bit silly, but taking the initiative and reaching out to rekindle relationships is almost always appreciated. The return on investment for the short amount of time it takes you to send some emails and texts, and hopefully make a few phone calls and lunch dates, is huge. You’ll be left asking yourself, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”

3. Practice generosity—by finding little ways to help people.

   You have two hands: one to help yourself and the second to help those around you.

   It’s one thing to take the initiative with people you already know, but what about all the people around you whom you barely know?

   Be friendly and introduce yourself to someone nearby. When you’re connecting with someone new, always start with generosity. Focus on how you can help the other person. Do you have information that could benefit them? Do you have a skill that could assist them through their current situation? Do you know someone they should meet?

   One of the best investments you can make in yourself is to take a genuine interest in other people. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth.

4. n active community of like-minded people.

   The best places to plant new seeds of friendship are at local, organized meetups on a particular topic that interests you. A meetup might be a professional association, a community focus group, a fitness class, a weekly group meditation hour, or any other gathering of people who share a common passion.

   The easiest way to find a community to join is to make a list of your core passions and keywords that represent them. Think about everything you enjoy and every issue that has meaning to you. For example:

   Personal development Spirituality

   Blogging

   Software development Graphic design Acoustic guitar Meditation

   Yoga Cooking

   Just let loose, open your mind, and do a brain dump onto a piece of paper. When you’re finished, head to Meetup.com, type in your keywords, and see what you can find. Alternately, add the name of your city to your keywords and use them as a Google search query (for example: “cooking class Austin”). This will help you find local meetups, social groups, bloggers, businesses, and events related to these topics.

   What if you can’t find a meetup group that fits your needs? Start one. Of course, the disadvantage of being a founder and organizer is that it takes a little more time and energy. The upside, however, is everything else.

   Finding the right group of people who share your passions and interests may require some dedicated research, but it’s worth it. A shared passion is the most effective component in building positive, lasting relationships.

5. Reach out to leaders and mentors.

When we were in the process of mind-mapping ideas for launching our first book, 1,000+ Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently, and researching ways to take our blog to the next level, we started reading and watching material from Derek Halpern, Ramit Sethi, and Lewis Howes, three down-to-earth guys who are masters in the online business space. We took inspiration from each of them and gradually implemented their ideas for our book launch.

Then we thought, “Why not email them?” So we did. And they all replied.

Next thing you know, we’re exchanging emails and tweets, and then when we were visiting New York City (where they all live), we got in touch and we all got together for a fun Sunday brunch.

The lesson here: Don’t limit yourself. Take a look at the blogs you have bookmarked, the email lists you subscribe to, or even your bookshelf, for example, and ask yourself, “Which of these bloggers, authors, and entrepreneurs might I like to get to know?” And then reach out to them.

Bloggers, authors, and internet entrepreneurs in particular seem to be more easily accessible by email and social media than other public figures. Obviously, you may never meet or even get a personal response from some of the people you contact this way, but it’s still fun to make an attempt, and you never know what will happen. You just might make a solid connection with someone who inspires you.

Nowadays we make it a point to email at least one person every month whom we would love to know more about, and whom we might normally consider out of reach. More than half of these people have replied back to us.

Next Steps for Building New, Healthy Relationships

If these points make sense to you, but you’re still struggling with what seems to be unhealthy, unsupportive relationships in your life, then we have a suggestion for you: Make a list of the five people you spend the most time with and your top three personal/professional values and goals. Then compare the lists.

Are the people you spend the most time with congruent with your values and goals? Are you and your daily rituals congruent with your values and goals?

If not, it’s time to make some positive changes—it’s time to get comfortable (and proficient) standing on your own two feet, reaching out to others with a helping hand, and meeting some brand-new, like-minded people who can bring positive energy into your life.

A few years ago, we actually moved from San Diego to Austin to live near Thanh and other inspiring, like- minded entrepreneurs in the personal-development niche because we knew we needed to be surrounded by the right people and energy while we were making some significant lifestyle and business changes. And let us assure you, we experienced incredible, productive breakthroughs because of it!

The bottom line is that you need to get your mindset and rituals in order, and spend more time in a positive environment with positive people.