When you don’t ask sincere questions and talk it out, a lot of important stuff ends up never getting
said.
“HEY, WHAT’S GOING on?” Marc asked.
“Not much,” Angel said. “And how was your day?”
“It was okay,” Marc said.
And just like that, our conversation would be over. For the longest time, this is exactly how we initiated
conversations with each other at the end of long workdays.
Sure, we greeted each other and asked a few questions, but they weren’t the right questions. They were
habitual inquires that were stale and thoughtless. And not surprisingly, our conversations went nowhere. Which,
in time, ended up hurting our relationship.
Thankfully, before it was too late, we learned to communicate more effectively. We learned that if we really
wanted to deepen our relationship—if we really cared to know what’s going on in each other’s heads and hearts
—we needed to ask better questions, and then really listen to each other’s answers.
Specifically, we learned that we needed to ask questions that carry this fundamental message: “I’m not just
checking the box here. I’m asking you because I really care how you feel and what you have to say. I really
want to know you .”
We want to help you ask questions that will save your relationships from a lot of grief. The bottom line is, if
you don’t want to have shallow, meaningless conversations with the important people in your life, you can’t ask
shallow, meaningless questions. A thoughtful, caring question is a key that will unlock the closed doors inside
the people you love.
And although we learned this the hard way, we’re happy we learned. We don’t ask rote questions anymore,
like “What’s going on?” After several years of practicing more mindful question-asking, we now find ourselves
naturally asking questions that strengthen our relationship. Let’s take a look at some examples.
1. What made you feel good about yourself today?
Ask a loved one this question to help them celebrate what’s right about their life right now.
It goes without saying, not every day will be good, but there will always be something good about every
day. The key is to notice these things and celebrate them. Positivity is a choice. And the first step is celebrating
what can be celebrated—the lessons, the laughs, and the love we’ve experienced along the way.
And best of all, when you help a loved one celebrate these things, your gesture alone becomes something
worth celebrating and smiling about.
2. What have I done recently that helped you feel loved and appreciated?
If you struggle with this question in any way, here’s a wake-up call for you: No matter how sure you are of
someone’s love, it is always nice to be reminded of it. Loving someone and having them love you back is the
most precious phenomenon in the world, and it should be expressed as such. When you truly love someone, be
loving in words and deeds every single day. Don’t beat around the bush. Be straightforward.
If you appreciate someone today, tell them. If you adore someone today, show them. Hearts are often
confused and broken by thoughtful words left unsaid and loving deeds left undone. There might not be a
tomorrow. Today is the day to express your love and admiration.
3. What scares you about our relationship?
Truth be told, what often scares us the most is our vulnerability—how we are unavoidably vulnerable to each
other when we choose to be in a relationship. So discuss this fact openly. Clear the air with the people you care
about.
Consider the fact that all of us are subconsciously hardwired to connect with each other—through friendship,
love, intimacy, and so forth—and your willingness to be vulnerable is the gateway to the affection you crave.
But it takes serious courage to push the limits of your vulnerability, to dig deeper and deeper into the core of
who you are as an individual, and not only love and accept the imperfect parts of yourself, but also expose them
to someone else, trusting that this person will hold them lovingly.
Ultimately, to love is to be vulnerable, and to be willing to be vulnerable is to show your absolute greatest
strength and your truest self. Finding and nurturing the right relationships that make this kind of love possible is
a beautiful, lifelong process.
4. What has been making you feel alone and unworthy?
This is a difficult question to ask, and an even more difficult one to answer. But it’s worth it.
Sometimes we feel as though the world is crashing down around us, as if the pain we are experiencing is
unique to us in the moment. This, of course, is far from the truth. We are all in this together. The very demons
that torment each of us, torment all of us. It is our challenges and troubles that connect us at the deepest level.
Once we accept this, our relationships become a place where we can look each other in the eye and say, “I’m
lost and struggling at the moment,” and we can nod back at each other and say, “Me too,” and that’s okay.
Because not being okay all the time is perfectly okay.
If you think about the people who have had the greatest positive effect on your life—the ones who truly
made a difference—you will likely realize that they aren’t the ones who tried to give you all the answers or solve
all your problems. They’re the ones who sat silently with you when you needed a moment to think, who lent
you a shoulder when you needed to cry, and who tolerated not having all the answers but stood beside you
anyway. Be this person for those you care about every chance you get.
5. What else hasn’t been asked or discussed?
This is a simple question you have to ask yourself, as it leads to other relevant questions you might ask a
person you’re in a relationship with. It’s about tapping into what you already know is going on in their life.
For example, if your husband had a big meeting today, you might ask, “How did you feel during the meeting
today?” Or if your daughter has been talking about a new friend, ask her, “What did you say to your new friend
during recess today?” Or if you know a friend’s mom is fighting cancer, don’t avoid the topic, address it directly:
“How is your mom’s chemo going?”
At the end of the day, you can’t be afraid to dive deeper and have certain conversations. Remember that
questions are like gifts—it’s the thought behind them that the receiver feels. We have to know the receiver well
enough to give the right gifts and ask the right questions. Generic gifts and questions are all right, but personal
gifts and questions feel better. Because love is personal. The more attention and time you give to the questions
you ask, the more beautiful the answers will become, and the stronger and stronger your relationships will
grow.
