THIS MORNING, OVER coffee, a good friend spilled her guts about all her failed attempts to find the perfect
man. Although her story is about her unique, personal experiences, we couldn’t help feeling like we’d heard the
same story told by others in completely different circumstances a hundred times before. It’s a heartbreaking
tale about the endless quest for perfection that so many of us are on.
The Perfect Woman
Once upon a time, an intelligent, attractive, self-sufficient woman in her mid-thirties decided she wanted to
settle down and find a husband. So she journeyed out into the world to search for the perfect man.
She met him in New York City at a bar in a fancy hotel lobby. He was handsome and well-spoken. In fact,
she had a hard time keeping her eyes off him. He intrigued her. It was the curve of his cheekbones, the
confidence in his voice, and the comfort of his warm, steady hands. But after only a short time, she broke things
off. “We just didn’t share the same religious views,” she said. So she continued on her journey.
She met him again in Austin a few months later. This time, he was an entrepreneur who owned a small,
successful record label that assisted local musicians with booking gigs and promoting their music. And she
learned, during an unforgettable night, that not only did they share the same religious views, but also he could
also make her laugh for hours on end. “But I just wasn’t that physically attracted to him,” she said. So she
continued on her journey.
She met him again in Miami at a beachside café. He was a sports medicine doctor for the Miami Dolphins,
but he easily could have been an underwear model for Calvin Klein. For a little while, she was certain he was
the one! And all her friends loved him too. “He’s the perfect catch,” they told her. “But we didn’t hang in the
same social circles, and his high-profile job consumed way too much of his time and attention,” she said. So she
cut things off and continued on her journey.
Finally, at a corporate business conference in San Diego, she met the perfect man. He possessed every
quality she had been searching for. Intelligent, handsome, spiritual, similar social circles, and a strong
emotional and physical connection—absolutely perfect! She was ready to spend the rest of her life with him.
“But unfortunately, he was looking for the ‘perfect woman,’” she said.
Everything We’ve Ever Hoped For
As human beings, we often chase hypothetical, static states of perfection. We do so when we are searching for
the perfect house, job, friend, or lover. The problem, of course, is that perfection doesn’t exist in a static state.
Because life is a continual journey, constantly evolving and changing. What is here today is not exactly the
same tomorrow.
That perfect house, job, friend, or lover will eventually fade to a state of imperfection. Thus, the closest we
can get to perfection is the experience itself—the snapshot of a single moment or vision held forever in our
minds—never evolving, never growing. And that’s not really what we want. We want something real! And when
it’s real, it won’t ever be perfect. But if we’re willing to work at it and open up, it could be everything we’ve ever
hoped for, and more.
That Imperfect Man (or Woman)
The truth is, when it comes to finding the “perfect man” or “perfect woman” or “perfect relationship,” the
journey starts with letting go of the fantasy of “perfect.” In the real world, you don’t love and appreciate
someone because they’re perfect; you love and appreciate them in spite of the fact that they are not. Likewise,
your goal shouldn’t be to create a perfect life, but to live an imperfect life in radical amazement.
And when an intimate relationship gets difficult, it’s not an immediate sign that you’re doing it wrong.
Intimate relationships are intricate, and are often toughest when you’re doing them right—when you’re
dedicating time, having the hard conversations, compromising, and making daily sacrifices. Resisting the tough
moments—the real moments—and seeing them as immediate evidence that something is wrong, or that you’re
with the wrong person, only exacerbates the difficulties. By contrast, viewing difficulties in a relationship as
normal and necessary will give you and your partner the best chance to thrive together in the long run.
Again, there is no “perfect.” To say that one waits a lifetime for their perfect soul mate to come around is an
absolute paradox. People eventually get tired of waiting, so they take a chance on someone, and by the powers
of love, compromise, and commitment they become soul mates, which takes nearly a lifetime to perfect.
This concept truly relates to almost everything in life too. With a little patience and an open mind, over time,
we bet that imperfect house evolves into a comfortable home. That imperfect job evolves into a rewarding
career. That imperfect friend evolves into a stead
