OVER THE YEARS, through our coaching practice and premium course, we’ve worked with thousands of
individuals and couples looking to fix their failing relationships, and we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to
make this happen.
Whether you’re working to fix your marriage, a dating relationship, or a friendship, you can do a lot of little
things to keep your relationship on track. But many people are not aware of the most common toxic behaviors
that tear relationships apart.
We can honestly say that when we listen to a couple talk for thirty minutes, we can determine, with close to
90 percent accuracy, whether their relationship will last in the long run (without major changes being made).
The reason we can do this is simple: Most failing or failed relationships suffer from the same four basic
behavioral issues:
1. Condemnation of a person’s character
Complaints are fine. Disagreements are fine too. These are natural, focused reactions to a person’s decisions or
behavior. But when complaints and disagreements snowball into global attacks on the person, and not on their
decisions or behavior, this spells trouble. For example: “They didn’t call me when they said they would, not
because they forgot, but because they’re a horrible, wretched human being.”
2. Hateful gestures
Frequent name-calling, threats, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, hostile teasing, etc.—in whatever form, gestures
like these are poisonous to a relationship because they convey hate. And it’s virtually impossible to resolve a
relationship problem when the other person is constantly getting the message that you hate them.
3. Denying responsibility
When you deny responsibility in every relationship dispute, all you’re really doing is blaming your partner. You’re
saying, in effect, “The problem is never me. It’s always you.” This denial of responsibility just escalates the
argument because there’s a complete breakdown of communication.
4. The silent treatment
Tuning out, ignoring, disengaging, refusing to acknowledge, etc.—any variation of the silent treatment doesn’t
just remove the other person from the argument you’re having with them; it ends up removing them,
emotionally, from the relationship you have with them.
So What Makes a Relationship Flourish in the Long Run?
We want to give you a slightly different perspective with three key fundamentals:
Truly knowing each other
Healthy couples are intimately familiar with each other’s evolving stories. These couples make plenty of
emotional room for their relationship, which means they sincerely listen to each other, they remember the
major events they each have been through, and they keep up-to-date as the facts and feelings of their partner’s
reality changes. The key thing to remember is that nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere,
focused attention—your full presence. Being with your partner, listening without a clock and without anticipation
of the next event, is the ultimate compliment. It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to them, and
it arms you with the information you need to truly know them and support them in the long run.
Working out relationship issues with each other, not others
This may seem obvious, but these days it’s worth mentioning: Never post negatively about a loved one on
social media. Fourteen-year-old schoolkids post negatively about their boyfriends, girlfriends, and friends on
social media. It’s a catty way to get attention and vent, when the emotionally healthy response is to talk your
grievances over with them directly when the time is right. Don’t fall into the trap of getting others on your side,
because healthy relationships only have one side.
Using positive language in arguments
Relationships flourish when both people are able to share their innermost feelings and thoughts in a positive
way. One effective method of doing this during an argument is to try your best to avoid using the word “you”
and instead use the word “I.” This makes it much easier to express feelings and much harder to inadvertently
attack the other person. Instead of saying, “You are wrong,” try saying, “I don’t understand.” Instead of telling
them, “You always . . . ,” try saying, “I often feel . . .” It’s a subtle shift that can make a big difference.
Afterthoughts
The best relationships are not just about the good times you share. They’re also about the obstacles you go
through together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end. And loving someone isn’t just about
saying it every day—it’s showing it every day through your actions and behaviors.
