6 Ways Happy Couples Deal with Disagreements Differently

EVERY COUPLE DISAGREES from time to time. Perfect compatibility is not possible, but sensibly working
though our differences is.
Talk to any set of grandparents (or great-grandparents) whose relationship has withstood the tests of time,
and they will tell you that the best relationships are not just about the good times you share. They’re also about
the obstacles you go through together, the disagreements you compromise on, and the fact that you express
your love openly.
Based on our fifteen-year relationship with each other, and our joint experience coaching thousands of
individuals and couples over the past decade, here’s what we’ve learned about how happy couples deal with
disagreements:
1. They are committed to dealing with disagreements positively.
Often it is easiest to run from a disagreement, especially if you’re not a confrontational person by nature. But
remember, this isn’t about you or whether or not you feel like dealing with your differences. It’s about what your
relationship needs in order to grow and thrive in the long run. So put these needs ahead of your own. Both
partners must be committed to dealing with their disagreements, because running from them will only make
matters more difficult to deal with down the road.
2. They attack their disagreements, not each other.
Disagreements are fine, and arguments are too. These are natural, focused reactions to a person’s decisions or
behavior. Problems arise when disagreements and arguments snowball into global attacks on the other person,
and not on their decisions or behavior.
Even when it’s hard to think clearly in the heat of the moment, you have to take a deep breath and
remember that your partner is on your team. Always support each other, even when you don’t see eye to eye.
Don’t take your stress out on each other. Keep your focus on the problematic disagreement and attack it
together by talking it out and reaching a deeper understanding.
3. They practice intentional communication.
Your partner is not a mind reader. Share your thoughts openly. Give them the information they need rather than
expecting them to know it all. The more that remains unspoken, the greater the risk for problems. Start
communicating clearly. Don’t try to read their mind, and don’t make them try to read yours. Most problems, big
and small, within a relationship start with broken communication.
Also, don’t listen so that you can reply—listen to understand. Open your ears and mind to your partner’s
concerns and opinions without judgment. Look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own.
Try to put yourself in their shoes. Even if you don’t understand exactly where they’re coming from, you can still
respect them. So turn your body toward them, look them in the eyes, turn off the computer, and put away your
phone. Doing so demonstrates that you actually want to communicate with your partner and hear what they
have to say; this reinforces the sort of supportive environment that’s crucial for conflict resolution.
4. They let each other save face.
Marc’s grandmother once told him, “When somebody backs themselves into a corner, look the other way until
they get themselves out, and then act as though it never happened.” Allowing your partner to save face in this
way, and not reminding them of what they already know isn’t their most intelligent behavior, is an act of great
kindness. This is possible when you realize that your partner behaves in such ways because they are in a place
of momentary suffering. They react to their own thoughts and feelings, and their behavior often has nothing
directly to do with you.
At some point we all inevitably have unreasonable mood swings. We all have bad days. Giving your partner
some room to save face, and not taking things personally when they’re occasionally upset, cranky, or having a
bad day, is a priceless gift.
Even if you are unquestionably right and your partner is unquestionably wrong, when emotions are flying
high and you force them to lose face, you’re simply bruising their ego. You’re accomplishing nothing but
diminishing their own worth in their own eyes. Do your best to let your partner preserve their dignity. Give them
space, let the emotions settle, and then have a rational conversation using the positive communication tactics
discussed above in point number 2.
5. They are willing to make sacrifices for each other.
True love involves attention, awareness, discipline, effort, and being able to care about someone and sacrifice
for them, continuously, in countless petty, little, unsexy ways every day. You put your arms around them and
love them regardless, even when they’re not seeing things your way. And, of course, they do the same for you.
6. They expect to disagree with each other on some things, and they’re okay with it.
Again, differences of opinion (even major ones) don’t destroy relationships—it’s how a couple deals with their
inevitable differences that counts.
Some couples waste years trying to change each other’s mind, but this can’t always be done, because many
of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of opinion, personality, or values. By fighting over
these deep-seated differences, they succeed only in wasting their time and running their relationship into the
ground.
So how do healthy, happy couples deal with disagreements that can’t be resolved?
They accept one another as is. These couples understand that differences are an inevitable part of any longterm
relationship, in the same way chronic physical difficulties are inevitable as we grow older and wiser. These
problems are like a weak knee or a bad back—we may not want these problems, but we’re able to cope with
them, to avoid situations that irritate them, and to develop strategies that help us deal with them. Psychologist
Dan Wile said it best in his book After the Honeymoon : “When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably
be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty
years.”
Bottom line: The foundation of love is to let those we care about be unapologetically themselves, and to not
distort them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who they should be. Otherwise we only fall in love with our own
fantasies, and thus miss out entirely on their true beauty. So save your relationship from needless stress.
Instead of trying to change your partner, give them your support and grow together, as individuals.